Tornado of Emotions

Yesterday was a hard day--maybe one of the hardest yet. Chris went for his bone marrow biopsy and endoscopy, both falling on his 27th birthday. I went to pick him up in the morning and as he gets in the car he tells me to "step on it," he made a mistake and the appointment is at 10:30, not 10:45. Ugh, note to self make sure I write down all the appointment times too. What a way to start off an already stressful day! It took them a while to get to the actual biopsy; he had to get blood tests done first and then be briefed on the procedure. Chris brought his camera and wanted pictures of the whole thing--I was slightly apprehensive of this at first. I mean come on, really babe? You really need to remember this procedure? The lab technologist kept asking me if I was easily susceptible to fainting, but I reassured him that I have a pretty strong stomach. He continued to warn me that if I fainted I was going down and he wasn't going to catch me. The pathologist who did the actual test seemed pretty excited at the prospect of pictures for teaching purposes so I guess I was staying in the room as "photographer." I figured my role should be "hand-holder" but nope, I got to be right in there watching and photographing as they sucked bone marrow out of  my boyfriend. I'll admit--it was really cool. Not the whole, watching the guy I love be in pain, but the process was kind of awesome. The lab tech. showed me how he made the slides of his blood cells and I got to watch him cut the piece of bone marrow. Chris took it like a champ, I probably would have cried like a baby. 

We had a couple hours before the next procedure and I was continuing to try to get my afternoon shift at the daycare covered. In my head, I needed to be at the next appointment for my own sanity. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get it off and the guilt began to set in. I know I can't possibly be there for every appointment, but it made me feel like the worst person ever to not be there with Chris yesterday--especially on his birthday. I felt better when his friend offered to pick him up afterwards, but I still wish I could have been there for him. It turned out that they were running behind and he was just finishing when I got off work so I could pick him up after all. 

I'm not sure what I was expecting the results of the endoscopy to be. The pessimistic side of me figured it would be something bad (of course), but I also had this little glimmer of hope that it was just an ulcer. My pessimistic side sucks, because it was right. Cancer is in his stomach--fuck! So far, all the emotions I had been feeling were sadness and anxiety, but now I was pissed. I know it came across that I was mad at Chris and I feel really horrible that that's what it looked like. I was (and am) mad at the cancer. What did Chris do to deserve this? Life was just getting really good.

When I deal with things I tend to do it internally, at least at first. I don't want to talk, I don't want to be hugged and I don't want to hear that "it's going to be all right"...I just need time to process. It took me a good hour before I semi-snapped out of my funk. The rest of my funk eventually disappeared after a good cry through the season finale of Glee--hey, no judging. The rational part of me knows that I can't continue to be this anxious for the next however long, but it's hard when it's happening to someone you love so much and there's really nothing you can do about it. I can't control if and how the cancer spreads, I can't control if the medicine works and I can't control how Chris deals with it all. I can, however, control how I deal with it and that's something that is going to be a continual process. I've got to keep on my "bright and shiny" face especially in front of Chris because he doesn't need to see me scared or feel guilty that I'm so anxious. My "dark & twisty" side will come out at times, but I've got to do my best to keep it at bay. 

As I finish off this post, I should mention that one of the main reasons I have chosen to write about this experience is to help anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation. When I was looking for a blog from a perspective like mine, I couldn't really find anything recent or anything I could relate to. This blog is not going to be glamorous and may paint me as not a great person sometimes, but it's honest and real and I hope it helps someone who needs to feel comforted by the fact that they are not alone.

Until next time,

Kaitlin