Just Keep Swimming

I figured I ought to update my blog since its been a while and I finally have some things to post about. I guess I left off at "Chemo Round 1" so I'll start from there.

My Mom and I went for a weekend trip to Vancouver right after Chris finished his first round. As we were heading to the ferry he was texting me saying how awful he felt and that he had already called the nurses line to find out if this was normal. I felt immediately guilty that I was going on this fun trip while he was stuck lying on a couch feeling so sick. Out of all the advice I have been receiving from friends, family and strangers the common thread is to make sure I take time for myself. It's really hard to watch someone you love be so sick and hear about how bad they are feeling because it makes me feel really helpless. After he heard back from a nurse at the Cancer Clinic, that yes, being exhausted and weak is normal, I think it made him feel more at ease. Once I had talked myself into getting back in the mind-set of being excited for this trip, I felt myself enjoying it more. Mom and I went and saw Idina Menzel at the Centre for Performing Arts on Friday night and did some shopping on Robson on Saturday before catching a ferry home. I needed a mental break from everything and those two days allowed me to recharge.

About a week and a half after round 1, Chris started feeling a lot better as you can read on his blog. It made me feel a lot better about everything as well because he seemed to be back to his old self--a guy I hadn't seen since probably March! His cough was gone and I no longer had to worry about him blowing out my ear drum (although I realized I still visibly flinch when he takes a breath in to cough). Chris was back bike riding, running and lifting weights and the better he felt, the more at ease I felt.

Although I was feeling better about Chris' health, I feel I should talk about how much of a hypochondriac I have become in the last few weeks. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because of a random mole on my toe that had visibly changed over the past year. I was referred to a dermatologist who was, in the kindest words possible, not very nice. One of the first things he said was "why didn't you come in sooner?" Well in my fragile mental state, something clicked and I jumped from 'weird looking mole' to 'holy crap it's melanoma' in the course of about .2 seconds. I was referred to a plastic surgeon to have it removed but until I had that appointment my mind just spun with all the possibilities (much like when Chris was pre-diagnosis). I became hyper aware of everything going on in my body from simple leg cramps and headaches to feeling my lymph nodes--you know, to make sure it hadn't spread there. The internet once again became my adversary and my mind was my own worst enemy. Even today, I'm still doing way too many checks of my neck to make sure nothing is swollen. I'm getting my mole removed tomorrow and I have a doctor's appointment coming up to talk about a better way to deal with all of my stress. I think it's just been an accumulation of sad things that has been building up in my head--my grandpa passing away in February, my best friends Mom passing away in April, Chris' cancer...too much all at once. My hope is I can find something that will release the stress in a more positive way, yoga, massages, a pint of Ben & Jerry's & Sleepless in Seattle, something that doesn't involve me worrying about non-existent issues with my own body.

Chris had his second round on Friday, in which I spent the 2 hours before I had to leave for work on the phone with various medical companies trying to get a VERY expensive drug covered for him. As I spurted off our situation to various representatives from the drug companies I found myself getting more and more worked up. "Please can you just pay for it...we have no money!" I did all the ground work and was so close to getting him into one program that would pay for what his personal coverage didn't, when one of the people I was talking to said he couldn't relay that information unless I had power of attorney or he was sitting  next to me. I was in the pharmacy while Chris was getting chemicals pumped into his body, so I had come to a standstill in all my progress. Chris was left to get the 3 questions answered by Pharmacare BC before officially being accepted into the program I was trying to get him into. Luckily, after he got the rest sorted out  he had the $1500 drug covered!

I think in my head I was kind of hoping Chris would remain feeling really good, even after he had round 2. Logically I knew this wouldn't happen, but it was a nice thought. I went over last night to just watch some tv and give him some company. We got in this argument over working, which was so stupid but it wound up escalating into this huge thing. Chris is pretty level-headed in arguments and they rarely last very long because of this. However, he was obviously having a bad day and he's back on Predisone (worst drug ever), which meant his mood was very volatile. I had a hard time not biting back because as I said, he's the level headed one, not me. I felt myself getting so frustrated because it was such a dumb thing to fight over and he kept repeating how grumpy I was making him. It got to the point where all I felt I could do was rub his back and not say anything. Not the ideal Saturday night, but I know that the person he was last night isn't who he normally is and I don't love him any less for it. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that it's the drugs and sickness talking, not him.

I had lunch with a friend I've known since I was 5 yesterday and as we were catching up on each others lives I realized that I have officially transferred over into the adult world. I guess I've been there for a while, but I think I officially felt it yesterday. As V talked about becoming vice-president of her strata council and I rattled on about my issues with the drug company, I realized that being a grown-up kind of snuck up on me. *sigh* I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. 

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. For anyone out there reading this that is going through something similar, I will say that the best thing you can do is just be there and do your best with the crap life has thrown at you.

And as Dory from Finding Nemo says, "just keep swimming!"




Until next time,
Kaitlin